In the end, it's between you and me.

Statament of the problem. The reason why I went early to SOILS today with Mark Justin Segundo. We arrived there shortly from school. 'Twas a government office. We went there 3 times already, the last one on Wednesday, hoping for an improvement on our titles. We waited. But, as the personnel came out, I tried to consult them regarding my title. But, as I heard their response, my heart sank. They could offer me no help. My fault, I must go to DOST instead of SOILS.

I went home early. Around 4.30. I walked along the road, waiting for something to ride on. One by one, tricycle/sikad drivers refused[Fck, was it considered a long distance from the public market to KCC?!]. The time I took to ride one was unbelievably long. As I travelled, I looked out of the window, the busy, dry and longing road. The flowing away of time, the painful hunger. All these things gradually tore down my heart.

Sometime ago, on a certain day, a private message came. The fact that I couldn't even offer her a single word of kindness, even though she was beset by a far greater sadness than I was. Something that am very ashamed of. Her kind PM came 5 weeks after the start of class. During the 3rd day of that week. I remember everything she wrote in that PM. a day and a half before today, an ordinary date. I wrote a draft in my pc a letter that am supposed to rewrite and give to her in person. The things I couldn't tell her, the things I wanted to hear. In truth, I had a lot of them. But, in any case, I have to forge forward where should I live. For some reason, the "her" I imagine from those PMs were always alone. Just like that, our conversation ended up. Speechless, nothing to say for nearly an hour. Every minute felt like a lifetime. Time, clearly as if it had a malicious intent, slowly passed away through me. I clenched my fist. Keeping myself from crying from that conversation was the only thing I could do. I wish, she could just recognize the stillness, and forget about me. I just wished, that all of those didn't actually happened.

In that moment, the dwelling place of eternity, of souls, became clear to me. It was as if I understood everything that happened for the past 14 years. And the time, which was about to come. I became, unbearably sad. Her warmth, her spirit. Where should I put them? How should I treat them? That was something, I didn't know. That we could not be together forever after 4 years, was a fact I clearly grasped. The vast lives we had ahead of us, the boundless amount of time which laid unavoidably stretched out in front of us. But, the anxieties which I had caught sight of soon melted away. And, after that, her cheerful face remained. That night, I stayed up late. Coping up to my slow internets, we talked along the night. Before I knew it, I felt asleep.

The next day, I came back to my normal life. I rode the jeep which had started running again. Here, I face again new trials that are about to happen in me. I didn't tell her last night, the post I lost, which was supposed to be given to her. It seemed as though everything in the world has changed. I strongly wished for the happiness to cheer her on. Just thinking as that, just always, I continued watching the scenery outside the window.


With those thoughts, I had enough of recollecting. XD.
That's all for tonight. Goodnight.