We're close, but we seemed to be apart.

Thinking back to that day, surely, that person must also strongly feel my feelings too when she looks back.

I had this memory 3 years before this year. Both of us was still first years. It must have been because of the confession I remembered, the spark wherein I faltered. By just living one's life, sorrow starts to accumulate here and there. Be it the clothes hung out in the sun to dry, the daily rising of the sun. And the sent messages of a mobile phone.

"I still like you. Even now."

So wrote the lady I admired three years ago, until now.

"But, if we were to exchange a thousand letters, our hearts would not even move one centimeter closer together."

For the past year, I have forged forward without any regard. Just to touch what I could not reach, that confession was a definite indicator of that fact. Without understanding the sources from which, this menacing thought surged forth from, I continued studying.

When I last noticed, my heart had become gradually hard from the loss of its youthful vitality.

And, on a certain morning, when at last I came into an earnest realization, that I had lost everything which was beautiful. I knew, I was at most of my limits, and continued to live.

I had a dream. Last week. In that dream, we were yet to turn 14. We were in a vast green grassland covered with dew. The swaying of the trees, the flight of the birds, the formation of clouds that extended far into the distance. A dazzling sight. We walked on a pathway, yet did not leave any footprints. And, like that, "Someday, this dream might become reality, to be together again."

Both of us, without any doubts at all, that's what I thought.

Reality was never so sweet.

Unrequited love is love that is not openly reciprocated, even though reciprocation is usually deeply desired.

That's one of reality's harsh truth. We can't live it the way we want, however, we can live it how it is supposed to be.

If I had a tail like a dog, it'd be probably making a buzzing sound from shaking so quickly with hidden joy. "ah. lucky am I, that am not a dog." I thought to myself with relief. Thinking that, I was amazed at myself for being such an idiot. Even so, the road to reality never seemed to be a satisfying one.

From the very beginning, she was somewhat different from the other girls. I started liking her from the day of our third year in highschool, and wanted to study more with her. Even with this slacker career, I somehow managed to cope up with our hard lessons the previous weeks. Even then, I liked her more whenever I see her figure. It was scary, and every day was filled with anguish. But being happy every time our eyes meet, was something about myself I couldn't do anything about.

She would sometimes think of other things when in classes. During those times, I wished that I was the one that she thinks about. For some reason, I kept thinking that every time.

The time I went online in my YM tonight, the inside of my chest started to pain somewhat. She's kind. At times, it was likely that she's going to cry.

A journey so dark and lonely as to be beyond all imagination. To exist purely in darkness, without even meeting a single hydrogen atom by chance. To absolutely and wholeheartedly believe that somewhere in the abyss, you are getting closer to the secrets of the universe. In that manner, where are we headed towards? How far will we go?

When did I start typing drafts that are never posted? To desperately and blindly stretch out our hands towards the heavens, to have thoughts that we couldn't even want to imagine. and to fix our eyes on something in the darkness of the far reaches of space. Even if only a little. I've come to realize, why she seemed so different from the other girls. And at the same time, I also came to the full understanding that she, would never look at me. That's why, I did not say anything to her related on these unrequited feelings.

Although she's kind, very kind, but, she has always, been looking at something far beyond. Far higher than me. I could never give which she desires. Even so, even so, I'm sure that even when tomorrow comes, or the day after, or thereafter, I will still be helplessly like her so much. Thinking only about her, with these thoughts, I'll end.



Waa. Imma opt for LiveJournal. My blog has turned into a chain of short essays. XD
Anyways, am off. My hands are tired. Goodnight.

In the end, it's between you and me.

Statament of the problem. The reason why I went early to SOILS today with Mark Justin Segundo. We arrived there shortly from school. 'Twas a government office. We went there 3 times already, the last one on Wednesday, hoping for an improvement on our titles. We waited. But, as the personnel came out, I tried to consult them regarding my title. But, as I heard their response, my heart sank. They could offer me no help. My fault, I must go to DOST instead of SOILS.

I went home early. Around 4.30. I walked along the road, waiting for something to ride on. One by one, tricycle/sikad drivers refused[Fck, was it considered a long distance from the public market to KCC?!]. The time I took to ride one was unbelievably long. As I travelled, I looked out of the window, the busy, dry and longing road. The flowing away of time, the painful hunger. All these things gradually tore down my heart.

Sometime ago, on a certain day, a private message came. The fact that I couldn't even offer her a single word of kindness, even though she was beset by a far greater sadness than I was. Something that am very ashamed of. Her kind PM came 5 weeks after the start of class. During the 3rd day of that week. I remember everything she wrote in that PM. a day and a half before today, an ordinary date. I wrote a draft in my pc a letter that am supposed to rewrite and give to her in person. The things I couldn't tell her, the things I wanted to hear. In truth, I had a lot of them. But, in any case, I have to forge forward where should I live. For some reason, the "her" I imagine from those PMs were always alone. Just like that, our conversation ended up. Speechless, nothing to say for nearly an hour. Every minute felt like a lifetime. Time, clearly as if it had a malicious intent, slowly passed away through me. I clenched my fist. Keeping myself from crying from that conversation was the only thing I could do. I wish, she could just recognize the stillness, and forget about me. I just wished, that all of those didn't actually happened.

In that moment, the dwelling place of eternity, of souls, became clear to me. It was as if I understood everything that happened for the past 14 years. And the time, which was about to come. I became, unbearably sad. Her warmth, her spirit. Where should I put them? How should I treat them? That was something, I didn't know. That we could not be together forever after 4 years, was a fact I clearly grasped. The vast lives we had ahead of us, the boundless amount of time which laid unavoidably stretched out in front of us. But, the anxieties which I had caught sight of soon melted away. And, after that, her cheerful face remained. That night, I stayed up late. Coping up to my slow internets, we talked along the night. Before I knew it, I felt asleep.

The next day, I came back to my normal life. I rode the jeep which had started running again. Here, I face again new trials that are about to happen in me. I didn't tell her last night, the post I lost, which was supposed to be given to her. It seemed as though everything in the world has changed. I strongly wished for the happiness to cheer her on. Just thinking as that, just always, I continued watching the scenery outside the window.


With those thoughts, I had enough of recollecting. XD.
That's all for tonight. Goodnight.

I want to wipe her tears away.

There is this girl, from my class. Behind her smiles, there are true sorrows behind them.[Hindi si kakai, precaution lang sa mga nagbabasa, ayaw ko masira blog ko. =')) ] Yes, I saw right through her sincere eyes. It wasn't planned though, but as our eyes met, I've seen through it, the lies she had been formulating since then. This is a common problem, that we humans encounter. We are not perfect, and, human organisms lie. I may not know the earnest reason, but, I just felt like it, the image of wiping her tears away. It may sound dramatic, but, this was the main reason why I wrote this post, to lest not forget the ideas once I thought. As I forge forward, without any second thoughts, someday, that she may give her tears away, and reveal her true smiles again.

Don't PM me for who this girl is. I do not know. XD.


So long. I may not post again tomorrow, or the next day after tomorrow, or next week. I do not know. I just write here in my blog when I feel to.

Goodnight.

Yuz. My first post in my blog. XD

First of all, thanks to Vertigo(OuterHeaven, Guild Member;FlyffPH) for introducing me to this blog. Uhh. This post was actually created, because, technically speaking, I can't create a blog without a content. This post, serves as my first post in my blog(my first one), and a test on how my blog looks when there is a content to read on. XD

Let's start a topic, a common topic where one must introduce when he/she is new in that field. As a precaution, am sorry for my wrong grammars/spellings(if there is any), for my skills in Communication Arts is an autofail. XD. Anyways, why "A Lapse in Reality"? I actually thought of this, for I wanted every moment of our lives to be lived on properly, without any regrets. But, this particular reason cannot be validated. Why? It's because in reality, we already have done the deed without doing anything to change it. That's one of the reasons why I created a blog, to have something to write on, express my hidden thoughts and words. This blog,yes, is something to write on. At the very least, I could express my reflections on a particular event, do something regarding on the event by rewritting the series of events/thoughts/ideas. I can integrate my disorganized thoughts here. This serves as my informal journal. Informal, because, in the journals I've viewed, you're required to write on it everyday. But, at this blog, I can write anytime when I want, when I feel to. Back to the topic. Lapses in reality, a way to look back on our ideas. Thoughts. Words.

Another thing. The link title. Why 4 years per second? Yes, you've read right. 4 years per second. At the first glance, it may seem foolish. How can 4 years can be fitted in a second? It actually crosses the border on logical reasoning. 4 years per second. I wrote that particular title, not just for looks, but with a deep reason. Time flies so fast. So fast, that we didn't actually felt that we're already in our current state, with the thoughts of "I should have done this when I had the chance" or, "Wha-, what am I now? I just didn't realized that I am in my current state, unaware of the fast revolving time". These thoughts, simply show on how time flies so fast, thus, making us establish an unawareness within us.


I think, I wrote enough. XD. I still have to catch some sleep. Goodnight.